Smith Says

  • Thursday, October 6, 2011

Recently someone Iíd just met sized me up through narrowed eyes and said, ďI heard you were kind of quirky.Ē Iím not sure it was a compliment, but it was the truth.
Iíve been quirky from birth. You would be too, if your mother was a free-spirited Episcopalian and your father a foot-washing First Baptist deacon.† They met on a blind date and proceeded to drive each other?and their offspring--crazy for the next 30 years.
If being quirky means being curious, socially awkward and sometimes voicing every thought that crosses my mind, Iím quirky.
I read too much, eat too fast and run like a penguin.
Every morning I prop a long, narrow, hand-painted wooden sign against the pillows on my bed. It says ďGone to Therapy,Ē which tells you all you need to know about me and morning.
Iím still crushing on Josh Groban. ďHigher WindowĒ makes my toes curl. Backwards.
Carrots are over-rated.
One of my favorite sayings came from an ex-basketball star on a reality TV show: ďThere are things I donít do, and things I wonít do, but thereís nothing I canít do.Ē
I hate going to the beauty salon, but with my hair itís a necessary evil. I cringe the entire time?until the miraculous moment my steel-wool mop is blown out to smooth, silky perfection. Which lasts for 10 minutes, or until I walk out the door to my car.
I donít get manicures because Iím a tightwad, plus the fact that I canít not talk with my hands for even five minutes.
I donít get pedicures because A) see manicures and B) I canít imagine paying someone to labor over my little piggies. (Also see ďfoot-washing Baptist deacon fatherĒ entry, above.
I donít get massages because HELLO?a strangerís hands on my body?!?
Everyone should make a will by the time theyíre 40. Itís very adult-ish.
I wonít watch one frame of any movie featuring the sexual degradation of women. Nor will I watch anything directed by, produced by, or starring Roman Polanski or Woody Allen. (One had sex with a 13-year-old, the other with his adopted daughter.) Ditto for Julia Roberts, who said hateful things about the south while filming ďSleeping With the EnemyĒ in Allendale years ago. And sheís from Georgia!
I like to cook, but only for other people.
I donít know whoís unfriended me on Facebook, and couldnít care less. Literally, I care more about the sex life of the Amazonian red ant than I care about who took their marbles and left my game.
If I unfriended you, itís because I havenít seen or spoken to you in, say, 20 years. Donít take it personally.
I donít eat red meat, and donít believe anybody I know cares one way or the other.
You donít need a lot of friends, just one or two whoíd post your bail when the chips are down.
I used to be horrified when people said they didnít go to church. Eventually I realized that a lot of good people donít go to church, and it doesnít make them any less good.
The best advice I ever heard was: ďDonít judge.Ē
I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Sometimes it feels like I sneaked into someone elseís awesome life.
Julie R. Smith, who has plenty of quirks she wonít tell, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com .

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