Smith Says

  • Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Random thoughts as I try, for the umpteenth time, to figure out how Pinterest works:
• Why does a paper cut hurt worse than a broken leg?
• How many different ways can you make a cupcake? I bit into a stuffed cupcake last week and had frosting in my nose for an hour.
• If all the reality shows on TV were cancelled, would the world stop?
• When I don’t hear from my relatives for two months, I assume all is well, aka “No news is good news.” But when I see a familiar number on caller ID, I panic and assume they’re dead. Wouldn’t it make more sense to assume death when I don’t hear from them?
• How come nobody has ever bottled puppy breath? Nothing smells better, except cupcakes.
• Why would anyone want to own a three-pound dog? If you trip over a Lab, he wags his tail. If you trip over an embryo with fur, congratulations--you just bought yourself a $1,500 vet bill to set its tiny little legs.
• When you lose 10 pounds, where does it go? Does it just float around trying to find its way back home?
• Does Paula Deen still think butter is a beverage?
• Why has Elton John, who is worth a bazillion bucks, never had his teeth fixed? (I actually admire this—he’s happy with the teeth God gave him. Too bad you can’t say the same for that dead badger on his head.)
• Why can’t I tpye for tow days after I cut my naisl?
• After I eat breakfast (the most important meal!) why am I starving the rest of the day? It’s like a gateway meal that makes me ravenous for bigger meals.
• Why are my hearing and vision going to hell at the same time? You’d think it would be one or the other, but after 50, let’s face it—you’re gonna be groping through life yelling “Huh?”
• Why is day-old turkey dryer than sandpaper? It was soft and juicy just the day before. What happens in the fridge overnight?
• I love cooking shows, so why have I never made a single recipe from one? (Speaking of cooking shows, I miss The Galloping Gourmet with Graham Kerr. He was hilarious, probably because he drank a bottle of wine during every episode.)
• When did Woody Harrelson get so freaking weird?
• Does anyone miss “Cheers,” “St. Elsewhere” and “Picket Fences” as much as I do?
• When did AARP magazine become the coolest, most informative thing I read all month? Seriously, it rocks.
• Why do women cut their hair after a breakup? Wouldn’t it be more satisfying to go to his house and whack his hair off in chunks?
• What happens to expired beer?
• Why do drivers think tailgating so closely you can’t see their headlights is a good way to make you speed up? It just makes me drop into a lower gear and enjoy the scenery. Hey, there’s a hog with a spot shaped like Woody Harrelson!
• How can food trucks be a faster alternative to restaurants when their lines go around the block?
• Why are gray hairs the consistency of barbed wire? They poke up from my head like tiny little mattress springs.
• Why does pudding have the consistency of phlegm?
• Do people really believe you can get an authentic three-course Italian dinner for $12.95? If so, I have an olive tree orchard for sale. In Ladson.
Julie R. Smith, who will be wondering ‘til the day she dies, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.

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