Have you ever laughed at someone’s misfortune and then hated yourself?
I had a spell of self-hatred last week. Widdle and I were eating almonds on the sofa when he mentioned that a man he’d known for years had broken up with his wife.
“That’s too bad,” I said, and meant it. Divorce is hell. “Can’t they reconcile? What happened?”
“Well,” Widdle said, “He came home and found another man’s name tattooed on her back.”
Half-chewed almonds flew from my mouth. I laughed so hard a piece got sucked down my windpipe and almost choked me to death (which I deserved for being so callous, God forgive me).
After I wiped the tears from my eyes, I thought about other actions that can signal a pending breakup. Here are some hints that the honeymoon is headed south:
-    He used to call you Baby and Sugar. Now he calls you Hoss.
-    She has two left feet, but suddenly she’s going out for “salsa lessons with the girls.”
-    The preset buttons in his truck are on different stations. (This is a vital clue. If he likes NASCAR and Rush Limbaugh but now his radio is tuned to NPR, something’s up.)
-    You’ve been wishing she’d grow her hair out for years… and she does.
-    You and he go to a restaurant for happy hour and three waitresses yell, “Hi, Rocky!” And his name is Bill.
-    He starts ironing his shirts. He wants to be wrinkle-free for whom?
-    He’s been clean-shaven since 1992, but now he’s sporting a soul patch or three-day stubble. (He’s found someone who likes the bad-boy look.)
-    He used to go to a barbershop for an eight-dollar trim. Now he goes to a salon and… are those highlights in his hair?
-    She once thought your tummy was cute. Now she calls you Blubber.
-    He used to go to a chiropractor to get his back cracked. Now he goes to a spa for a hot-stone massage.
-    She’s wanted a cat forever, but when you finally say, “Let’s go to the SPCA and get a kitten,” she says, “Nah, that’s okay.” (She’s leaving and doesn’t want to share custody with you.)
-    You find a bottle of tequila under the seat in her car. She doesn’t drink.
-    You ask him if you can paint the house pink and he says, “Sure. Whatever.” (He doesn’t plan to be looking at it very long.)
-    You come home after a two-day bender and she didn’t realize you were gone.
-    She stops cooking. (She’s got better things to do.)
-    She starts cooking. (She’s planning to poison you.)
-    She says, “Pit bulls get a bad rap.” (The new guy has one.)
-    Suddenly he stops drinking. (He’s being influenced by a teetotaler.)
-    Suddenly he starts drinking. (To drown his guilty conscience.)
-    You overhear a voicemail from a woman named Velvet.
-    He loses 20 pounds and buys a leather bomber jacket.
-    You give his hound a Milk-Bone and he yells, “You’ll never get my dog! Never!”
Last but not least….
-    You find divorce papers under your coffee cup.
Julie R. Smith, who’s seen some of these firsthand, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.