Need more proof our world is going bonkers? Reflect on these recent gems: • A Long Island pastor is in trouble for seducing two parishioners, under the guise of marriage counseling. The ladies also happen to be sisters, thus proving that he’s dumb in addition to being depraved. • The Whole Foods foot licker. In a Cambridge, Mass. store, a man approached a female shopper and complimented her high-heeled shoes. Then he asked if he could use his cell phone to snap a photo. He knelt, aimed the phone… and licked her instep. Such treachery! The victim was presumably too stunned to kick his teeth in, and he escaped. • Some people actually care whether or not Paula returns to American Idol. • A South Carolina man was arrested last month for being too fond of a horse. (I’m groping for euphemisms here.) It was the suspect’s second offense with the same mare. This time, her outraged owner held him at gunpoint until police arrived. The suspect’s brother said he’d gone off his meds. • A New Zealand man killed and cooked the family dog because it irritated his wife. He does not face charges, as in New Zealand it’s not illegal to humanely kill an animal you own. The owner claimed he stunned the dog with a hammer blow before slitting its throat. Then he grilled it. • The documented, demented, oh-so-pathetic life of Octomom. My heart aches for the children she will damage. • Mourners at a service in Philadelphia belatedly realized they were wailing over the wrong corpse. The family of Kenneth "Tex" Roberts claimed funeral directors refused to admit the mistake for two hours. Meanwhile, a couple of Roberts’ relatives collapsed in horror and were transported to a hospital. • An 80-year-old Tennessee woman was charged after she allegedly fired on several deputies at her mobile home. When officers arrived to arrest her son on a warrant, they knocked on the door. Mom opened it, slammed it and fired a shot through it. After an hour-long standoff, the son, 60, was found cowering in a closet and arrested. I have no idea what happened to Mom. • A Connecticut public official wearing a mask attacked his fiancee at their home four days before their wedding. Keith Maynard, an Ansonia town councilman who has since resigned, reportedly threw a blanket over his beloved, beat her with a baseball bat and ran out the back door. He was arrested and released on $50,000 bail. The victim is now his wife. However, a judge ordered Maynard to stay away from their home so that she may live without fear of blankets and bats. • A Missouri man was accused last week of biting off the earlobe of a love rival. Police said the suspect argued with the victim about a woman. Fisticuffs ensued (don’t they always ensue?) and the suspect did a Mike Tyson on the victim's ear. Officers found the severed lobe, but doctors were unable to reattach it. The biter was jailed on $50,000 bond. • Somehow, even though he is clearly unfit to lead, Mark Sanford remains our governor.
Julie R. Smith, who can hold a political grudge like nobody’s business (ask her about John Edwards), can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.