Smith Says

  • Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I’m a news junkie. I read 11 papers a week and my home page is CNN. Here are some recent shake-your-head tidbits from TV and print news, Web sites and other forums:

An old guy, a bird and a zebra walk into a bar…. An Iowa man was arrested for drunk driving after he left a bar in the company of his girlfriend, their parrot and a baby zebra. Last week Jerald Reiter, 55, was charged with operating while under the influence and spent the night in jail. "These are our kids," Teeters said, in explaining why the animals were with them.

The couple said they often take the animals out for a night on the town. But of course. I take my duckbilled platypus drinking all the time. If she lays an egg on the bar, drinks are free.
Drunk driving isn’t funny, but imagine the parrot being the fittest to drive: “Move over, Cholly, I got dis!”

There were lots of bleary-eyed coffee hounds staggering around on May 23—because hundreds of Starbucks were closed due to overnight maintenance work not finished in time for the morning rush. An estimated 1,500 stores were shuttered, mainly east of the Rockies.

"I like to start my day with Starbucks, so I don't really know what to do," Kelly Furnet said as she stood outside a shuttered shop in Jacksonville, Fla. Here’s what you do, Kelly: Buy some cheap coffee, brew it at home, pour it in a thermos and take it to work. Problem solved, money saved. You’re welcome.

On a personal note, the finale for “House, MD” may be the worst series ender I’ve ever watched, and that’s saying something. I wasn’t expecting a “Cheers” or “M*A*S*H”-style sendoff, but viewers deserved better than House hallucinating in a burning building in a heroin-induced haze. (“Party of Five” and “ER” were both mediocre shows with slam-bang final episodes that left me in tears. And I didn’t even watch ER for the last two seasons.) OK, rant over. House, we hardly knew ye.

On May 23, a 65-year-old Canadian man had a trip to the outhouse that he’ll never forget. Gordon Shurvell of Winnipeg says he was answering nature’s call—with the privy door open--when a black bear barged in.

Shurvell left the door open, he said, “to enjoy the morning view.” The bear, perhaps seeking toilet paper, attacked him. “He grabbed my pants that were down around my ankles. And that was just the start of it,” Shurvell said. Indeed.
The bear dragged him off the throne and into the brush, but his camping buddy heard him screaming. The pal grabbed a rifle from the cabin and shot the bear dead.
Shurvell was treated at an ER for lacerations on his head, neck and arms. My opinion, I think the bear was offended because he left the door open. Even bears have standards.

A Manhattan lingerie boutique ex-employee claims she was fired after one week for being “too hot.” Lauren Odes claims her employers told her she was too sexy. Now attorney Gloria Allred is representing her, which doesn’t exactly up the sympathy factor.

At the obligatory press conference, Odes claimed she wore “very covered up attire” during her week of employment, but her supervisors said her wardrobe was disliked by the company’s deeply religious owner. (Yes, you read that correctly.) Another female employee advised her to tape “the girls” down.
My advice: Cut your losses and move on, Lauren. You were a shipping clerk. You’d probably make more working at Starbucks.

Julie R. Smith, who visits celebrity gossip sites more than CNN, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.

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