Tuesday, April 16, 2013
We’ve all had days when we go stir-crazy sitting at home. Maybe you’re sick, or the dirt road is too muddy to get out, or you’ve botched a dye job. Whatever. You’re thisclose to going slap crazy.
With that in mind, I put together this helpful list. You know you need to get out more when…
You re-read a book for the third time, and you didn’t like it the first time.You decide to make a syrup-succotash-pomegranate casserole.You know the serial number of your refrigerator by heart.You shop online for dog clothes.You know the precise number of floorboards in every room in your house. OR, you know the number of ceiling tiles in every room in your house.You think, “I should sew a pantsuit. How hard can it be?”You check your Facebook newsfeed every seven minutes.You moisturize your neck, face, elbows, legs, knees, feet and knuckles. You do this mainly because you’re required to stand immobile for 10 minutes while it all soaks in, and you can’t think of a better way to waste 10 minutes.You count the pieces of kibble when you feed the dog.You actually try to put your feet behind your head. Bonus points if you also try to stand on your head.You walk from one room to the other with no discernable purpose. Extra points if you wring your hands and sigh loudly.You watch a golf match. You hate golf.You bake cookies for the fourth time this week.You upload your photo at an online eyewear site to see how you’d look in various frames. And you don’t wear glasses.You seriously consider buying a couple of pigs to raise for market.You blend two half-empty buckets of paint and decide to paint the bathroom with the resulting color, which happens to be puce.You pull out your rusty old Epilady and think, “I should try this again.”You sit on the porch and count the number of fire ant mounds in the yard. OR you sit on the porch and throw peanut shells at the squirrels.You flop on the floor for three hours watching a Scooby-Doo marathon (which admittedly is better than any reality show on TV.)You get all excited about waxing the kitchen floor, even though nobody’s waxed a kitchen floor in 20 years. Unless they live on an ancestral estate and have scullery maids to do it.You lie on the sofa wondering why your ancestors were never rich enough to have scullery maids.You Google your ex (husband, boyfriend, BFF) for the 35th time.You look up franchise fees for various fast food restaurants, and realize you will never own a fast food franchise.You realize you are too old and too tired to appreciate the hilarity of the Harlem Shake.You seriously consider polishing all the silver.You decide today would be a good day to try making beef jerky.You wonder who started catch-and-release for bass, and why. Don’t they taste good?You clean out the medicine cabinet and discover a bottle of Absorbine Jr. from 1987.You use the last few Lee Press-On Nails. On the dog.You decide to design your own wine labels, even though A) You don’t make wine and B) You don’t drink wine.You know the birth order AND baby daddy of every character on “Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo.”Julie R. Smith, who can spend hours studying haloes around ceiling lights, can be reached at email@example.com.