Pass the mashed potatoes

  • Friday, March 21, 2014

Not 24 hours earlier I was more than a little worried. I was afraid Iíd run out of words.

I had encountered a mild case of writerís block brought on by downing four Pepsi Maxes in a six-hour period. While the soft drink is sugar free, it more than makes up for the sugar loss with twice the caffeine, hence the suffix ďMAXĒ in red slashed capital letters across the front of the can.

I downed the four cans of Pepsi MAX because I am fighting a righteous cold and nothing helps scrape away the crud of a good head and chest cold than an ice cold Coke or Pepsi.

Plus, I figured the good jolt of caffeine would counter the snort or three of NyQuil Iíd downed earlier.

It did, and then some.

My heart was beating faster than a Neal Peart drum solo.

But just when I thought Iíd forever run out of things to write about, humankind came through for me again.

It never lets me down.

I read an article in USA TODAY that said overeating could lead to some mild forms of memory loss.

I hate to coin the monosyllabic phrase Ė well, itís more a grunt actually Ė that sarcastically represents the obvious.


Why do you think we eat anyway?

We eat to forget.

We eat to find comfort from the daily grind of being our lonely and overweight selves.

We eat to forget the pain of a lost or unrequited love. We eat to soften the sting knowing she chose that guy over you?

Yes, she did, have a Big Mac.

The article, which originated from another one of those studies commissioned by the American Academy of Neurology said, ďOlder people who consumed more than 2,143 calories a day had more than double the risk of a type of memory loss called mild cognitive impairment compared to those who ate fewer than 1,500 calories a day.Ē

According to the study, the more calories older people consumed, the more likely they were to have mild cognitive impairment.

MCIÖ Mild Cognitive Impairment, the condition between normal forgetfulness due to aging and early Alzheimerís disease.

Iím older.

Iíve noticed some momentary lapses in my cognitive reasoning skills.

Names no longer spew forth but instead linger on the tip of my tongue and then vanish altogether. Sometimes I forget where Iím going and I catch myself driving aimlessly around town.

While I still manage to hit all the belt loops, the fly option continues to be a hit and miss thing, but I think thatís more due to sloppy personal hygiene skills than memory loss.

And to think I spent the majority of my formative years trying to attain that stage between normal forgetfulness and early Alzheimerís via 12-packs of Bud Light. I should have opted for the All You Can Eat Buffet instead.

Itís long been said that memory is the second thing to go. I canít recall what the first thing was.

Well now I can blame that one on the Big Mac and fries I had for lunch today.

Man used to drink so he could forget. Who knew he had it all wrong?

We eat to forget, and you would not believe the list of things I wish I could forget.

Most of them are women.

So forget the Jack Daniels and the Mad Dog 20/20. I am a man haunted by troubled thoughts and Iím hungry.

Pass the mashed potatoes.

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