I cleaned off my desk today.
Here are some of the things I found.
• Electric bills from March 2013, September 2013, January 2014 and March 2014.
• Phone bills from July 2013, October 2013 and January 2014.
• Four CDs.
• Three auto insurance bills and one cancellation notice (don’t worry, I pay online).
• Checks written to the electric and phone company for the above-mentioned bills.
• A couple dozen receipts from The Pig, Walmart and Food Lion, some dating back six months.
• A Little Caesar’s takeout receipt from Jan. 10, 2014 with the accompanying empty pizza box perched atop the ottoman serving as an end table.
• A Little Caesar’s napkin (I was reluctant to peek inside the pizza box).
• A singing Christmas card (I screamed like your baby sister when I opened it and Elvis started singing “Jingle Bell Rock”).
• An envelope I saved that had mathematical calculations scrawled all over it (not sure what I was calculating, but after double-checking, all the answers were correct – yay me).
• A Carl Hiaasen novel, “Double Whammy.”
• My Iron Man action figure (I wondered where he made off to).
• A guitar repair receipt from February 2012 – yes 2012.
• Unopened Sani-Wipes (don’t tell me you’re not shocked at that).
• A Christmas card from someone I don’t know.
• A torn slip of notebook paper with a phone number – no name, and when I dial the number no intelligible message recorded.
• Three plastic bottle caps.
• A half-empty bottle of Diet Coke.
• Sixty-three cents in change.
• An unused disposable razor.
• An unopened adhesive bandage from when I set myself on fire last year.
• A note from my Dad about some old newspaper clippings dating back to the 1930s (no newspaper clippings though, but I’m hopeful of finding them soon).
• A postcard of Lake City, Michigan dated 1961.
• More Sani-Wipes.
• A photograph of a dozen or so people, none of whom I know.
• Salted-in-the-shell sunflower seeds sans bag.
• A foon (or spork).
• My business card with my phone number written on the back (I guess in case I forget).
• One snapped off eyeglasses stem.
• Eight pens.
• More plastic cutlery.
• A wadded-up Post-It note that says “DON’T FORGET!” (Don’t forget what?)
• An unopened deck of cards.
• A doctor’s appointment reminder card from Feb. 2013 (did I go or not?).
• A winning Cash 5 lottery ticket for $1.5 million (just checking to see if you’re paying attention).
• A strain of living organism that hasn’t been identified yet.
• A Napster MP3 player (When was the last time anyone ever used one of those?).
• More business cards of people I don’t know (Who are these people anyway?).
• A card with “The Four-Way Test of Things We Think, Say or Do.” 1. Is it the truth? 2. Is it fair to all concerned? 3. Will it build good will and better friendships? 4. Will it be beneficial to all concerned? (Boy, I must’ve really opened my mouth bad that time).
• The paring knife with which I stabbed myself three years ago.
• A Skittle, cherry I believe.
• My desk calendar flipped to April 2008.
Everything except for the Post-It note with the telephone number I need desperately and NOW.
The refrigerator’s next.
I think Jimmy Hoffa’s hiding in there somewhere, probably behind the bad mayonnaise.