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Smith Says

Published Tuesday, March 30, 2010 2:11 PM

By Julie R. Smith
Summerville Journal Scene ®

Once upon a time, someone asked my brother T-Bob to describe me.

He sighed, studied his fingernails and finally said, “Quirky. Yeah, that’s it. Quirky.”

The ensuing decades haven’t changed a thing. After all these years, I’m still quirky (which is just a tactful way of saying “strange.”)…

In case you want examples, here goes. I….

- Won’t wear red nail polish to church.

- Could live alone forever with books and good wine. (By “good” I mean “wet.”)

- Think calling your mother “Mummy,” unless you’re a member of the British royal family, is ridiculous.

- Still don’t know the difference between Greek and Roman gods.

- Hate talking on the telephone. I’m good for about three minutes. After that, I’m faking.

- Like to describe my eyes as Confederate gray.

- Know several people who are afraid of clowns, and they’re all men. I have no idea what that means, but it’s got to mean something.

- Still can’t multiply fractions.

- Am a very literal person. If you say, “Call me back in a minute,” I count to 60 and call you back. I’m trying to do better on this, but progress is painfully slow.

- Started using an inhaler two months ago.

- Am terrified of Nancy Grace. Seriously, she’s rabid and she scares me.

- Always tightly wrap food scraps—chicken bones, mummified cheese, etc.—in aluminum foil before they go in the kitchen garbage can. My hope is that this strategy foils roaches and ants, but I’m probably kidding myself.

- Make the bed the moment I get out of it, every single day. Doesn’t matter if I’m sick, late for a flight, whatever. The bed. Will. Be. Made.

- Get nostalgic for old-fashioned Easter baskets, with hollow chocolate bunnies and boiled eggs colored with dye and vinegar.

- Am miserable without my hour-long bubble bath each night.

- Hate listening to messages on our old-school answering machine—it sounds like the caller is speaking from the grave. Voicemails on my cell aren’t so bad.

- Don’t understand small children’s obsession with stickers. Back in my day, we held out for suckers.

- Am apparently an atypical Sagittarius, because I’m not the life of any party and travel makes me nervous.

- Work out six days a week. On Sundays, I move as little as possible.

- Move the living room furniture around so much the dog won’t go in there any more. She got tired of tripping over rugs and lamps that Mommy rearranged.

Many of my quirks revolve around food and cooking. For example, yours truly…

- Was 26 and married before learning that chicken expires. This eureka moment occurred the day I opened a pack of chicken thighs purchased and refrigerated three weeks earlier. The stench was beyond description, as was my then-husband’s reaction.

- Don’t like ice cream, but have never turned down a Kit-Kat.

- Often eat six fried eggs for dinner.

- Was 44 and remarried before I realized that salad tongs could be used for other tasks, like serving chicken. I thought you’d get arrested for using them for anything other than salads. Did I mention I’m very literal?

Julie R. Smith, who only gets odder with age, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.

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104 East Doty Avenue | Summerville, SC 29483 | 843-873-9424 office | 843-873-9432 fax