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Smith Says

Published Tuesday, May 11, 2010 2:25 PM

By Julie R. Smith
Summerville Journal Scene ®

Let’s talk about Steve Consalvi, the teen who rewrote “Take Me Out to the Ball Game.” In his case, it was “Take Me Out AT the Ball Game.”

Consalvi, 17, pulled a spectacularly stupid stunt during the Phillies/Cardinals game at Citizens Bank Park, when he dashed into left field at the top of the eighth inning and ran in circles waving a towel.

Security personnel—not knowing what this nut might have in mind—gave chase and Tased the bejeezus out of him. The moment-of-truth photo is the funniest image I’ve seen in years. (And the video is a huge hit on YouTube.)

Consalvi grimaced, flopped face-first on the grass and, hopefully got up a humbler man.

I’ve never been Tased but, as a former crime reporter, I know why people get Tased. It usually involves stupidity and booze, sometimes both. Herewith, a simple primer on how not to get fried like fatback:

- Let’s start with the most obvious: Don’t disrupt organized events with your antics. Starting a brawl in the stands is also dumb.

- Do not chop up your motel room with an axe. People do notice this sort of thing.

- If you’re in a bar and fisticuffs erupt, curl up in the fetal position and scream, “Help, po-po! Help!”

- Obey any and all restraining orders.

- Don’t cut in line. Anywhere.

- Don’t lure your wife into a tool shed and nail the door shut.

- If an officer suggests you sit down and shut up, the prudent response is “Yes, sir.”

- Don’t jam a steak down your pants at the meat counter and make a run for it. For some reason, this happens frequently.

- If you’re fortunate enough to own a bulldozer, don’t test-drive some moonshine and then try to knock your neighbor’s house down, even if he did steal your second ex-wife. Which leads us to…

- Do not love on someone else’s spouse. It’ll turn really ugly, really fast.

- If you’re running down the street waving a butcher knife and don’t stop when the cops tell you to, well… don’t say you weren’t warned.

- Let’s say you see someone shoplifting at Wallyworld. Casually inform a store associate, then abandon your cart and flee. Huge fights tend to erupt in discount stores when people who are stealing stuff get caught stealing stuff.

- Don’t get drunk at a wedding reception and moon the bride. Or groom.

- Don’t throw a pit bull at a police officer.

- If you see blue lights in your rear-view mirror, don’t consider it an opportunity to see how fast your Kia can fly.

- Don’t try to board a plane drunk. It will end badly.

- If the law is chasing you, don’t run into a stranger’s house and hide in the bedroom closet.

- Do not take your clothes off in the produce aisle.

- If you get pulled over, do not hop out of your car and jog towards the officer.

- Do not wear a Halloween mask into a bank.

- Do not, under any circumstances, ever spit on anybody.

Julie R. Smith, who’d never do anything Tase-worthy, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.

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