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Smith Says

Published Tuesday, July 27, 2010 4:31 PM

By Julie R. Smith
Summerville Journal Scene ®

British scientists claim to have finally solved an age-old conundrum: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

After studying clues such as biogenetic markers and chemical enzymes, they announced their findings. (Cue drum roll.) The chicken came first, they say.

Thank God, I say. This puzzle has kept me awake every night for 49 years, seven months and one day. Not! Okay, maybe.

Aside from the fact that I have chronic insomnia, here are some other things that keep me awake at night:

* Why is Spencer Pratt famous?

* How did a family of wasps get in my dining room?

* If my dog could talk, what would she say?

* Where is the tiny jar of moisturizer I paid $40 for?

* When did it become okay for me to pay $40 for a tiny jar of moisturizer?

* How can it be that in five years of attending a Methodist church, I’ve never heard one sermon about tithing? (We’re under-funded, it’s just never mentioned.)

* Why do women have children they don’t want?

* If my husband knew I pluck my chin hairs every two weeks, would he leave me?

* Where is my college diploma? I didn’t graduate from Harvard, but it’d be nice to know where the ol’ sheepskin is, 26 years after the fact.

* Did Cesar Milan try whispering to his wife?

* When Widdle asks me if I beat him in his sleep, should I tell the truth?

* Have you ever noticed that people with the smallest problems tend to complain the loudest?

* Will I ever find reading glasses that make me look both brainy and attractive?

* Should I paint our bedroom brown?

* What’s Dan Quayle up to these days?

* Why do people on vacation splurge on plane tickets, pack half their possessions, fly across the country, rent a car and eat at Red Lobster? Seriously?

* When will I officially be a grownup?

* Why am I addicted to pimento cheese?

* Did Amy Winehouse ever go to rehab?

* At what point should I give up on covering the gray? I mean, how will I know when the day of truth arrives?

* How can so many people know all the dirt on Mel Gibson, but don’t know how long we’ve been in Afghanistan?

* Why do false fingernails terrify me?

* Is there a middle ground between aging gracefully and aging ungracefully?

* Will I ever eat a carb again? Y’all don’t know what I’d do for a baked potato with butter and sour cream. You. Have. No. Idea.

* Are my best days behind me?

* Is it odd that my sister and I haven’t seen each other in 15 years? Thank God for Facebook.

* Will I ever make a decision fast enough to actually buy something off Craigslist? Yesterday I tried to buy an armoire (the Love Shack has no closets) and the seller said it was gone 10 minutes after she posted it. I can’t decide what to put on my toast in 10 minutes.?

* Do you really catch more flies with honey than vinegar? And who counts the flies?

And finally…

* Can we get those British scientists to study Sasquatch?

Julie R. Smith, who is puzzled all day, every day, can be reached at widdleswife@aol.com.

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